CMT, DotA Clan From Singapore


    Let's Share some Cold Jokes!!!

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    CmT.Arizona

    Posts : 31
    Join date : 2011-05-19
    Age : 20
    Location : Singapore

    Let's Share some Cold Jokes!!!

    Post  CmT.Arizona on Sat May 21, 2011 1:05 pm

    Qns: What is world most heaviest meal???
    Ans: Wanton Noodle because its One Ton Noodle??

    Qns: Who is the world most Strongest Man in the world??
    Ans: Wanton Noodle Seller because he need to carry lots of One To

    Q: what drink does bruce lee like to drink the most?
    A: Water because he always goes : Wah TaAAAH

    Q:Who is the world most failure man in the world?
    A: Spiderman because 失败的 man (shi-bai-de-man)

    A : My cat can talk
    B : Really?
    A : Yeah, when i ask it whats temple in Chinese, it goes, Meow. (Miao 庙)

    A mom dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup"

    Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing.

    What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly? A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.

    Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested ?
    Pupil: A teacher.

    Mrs:doc,how is my husband?
    Dor:he’ll be ALL RIGHT!
    Mrs:what?after that horrible accident?
    Dor:yes,we cut off his LEFT arm and LEFT leg,so,all RIGHT now!!

    Plane no. AABCCC is flying to Europe. During the journey, the captain suddenly announced to the passengers, "Dear passengers, we will be experiencing a turbulence. Please be seated at your seat and buckle your seat belts." So the passengers heeded the captain's word and buckled their seat belts. After awhile, the turbulence was over.
    But 5 mins later, the captain spoke through the microphone, "Dear passengers. i'm sorry to say, but one of the wings has fallen apart. Please tighten your seat belts." And the passengers did as they were told.
    After 10 mins or so, the captain said to the passengers, "We are sorry to say, but the bottom of the plane is falling apart. Passengers, please grab hold of the luggage compartment." So everyone unbuckled their seat belts and held on tight on to the luggage compartment. Soon enough, the passengers' legs were dangling in mid-air (don't think too much. it's only a story).
    Then the captain spoke again, saying that it's too heavy and one person is needed to sacrifice himself so that the top of the plane will remain in mid-air.

    All the passengers were looking at one another, urging others to sacrifice themselves. None was willing to let go of their grip. And hence, the top of the plane was falling at a great speed.

    Finally, an asian passenger shouted out, "Okay lah! i sacrifice." All the other passengers cheered 'yay' and clapped their hands....

    Q1) Name 3 step to put an elephant into a fridge....
    A1) Open fridge, put elephant in, Close fridge...

    Q2) Name 4 steps to put a giraffe into a fridge....
    A2) Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge..

    Q3) One day, forest fire, all animal die except one. What is the animal that didnt die?
    giraffe

    One day..they were standing in a straight line..facing the front with Cat C standing at the back

    C cat says..There are 2 cats infront of me =)
    B cat says..There is 1 cat infront of me=)
    A cat says..There are 2 cats infront of me

    How can it be?2 cats infront of cat a?
    A cat lied

    1.Q. there are 7 candles on the table the wind blew 3 candle the fire gone. how many candle is left?
    A.3 cause after time the 4 candle will burn out
    2.Q one day a man was driving, the streetlights were not turn on there was no moon no stars. Suddenly he saw a boy dash across the road he mange to break in time why was the man able to see?
    A.cause it was afternoon
    3.Q the yolk is white or are white?
    A the yolk is yellow
    4Q. can you remember what u did last year 31st november?
    A. dont have 31st november

    At tampines MRT station, 5 lambs boarded the train.
    At Bugis MRT station, another 5 lambs boarded the train.
    At City hall MRT station, a tiger boarded the train.
    At Joo Koon (last station), how many lambs are there left?




    10 lambs. because no eating or drinking in the train



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    CmT.Arizona

    Posts : 31
    Join date : 2011-05-19
    Age : 20
    Location : Singapore

    Re: Let's Share some Cold Jokes!!!

    Post  CmT.Arizona on Sat May 21, 2011 1:22 pm

    Three Kicks

    A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

    The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

    The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

    The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

    The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”

    The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”

    The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”

    The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”

    Oh Shit!!!

    There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

    So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"

    Qualifying for Heaven

    Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

    St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

    The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

    St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

    Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

    "That's right! You may enter."

    St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

    Picking a punishment

    This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

    So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".

    Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

    Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.

    So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"

    Each man gives a story

    Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

    So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

    "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

    The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

    "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

    Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

    The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

    "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

    He's drunk at the bar

    One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

    Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

    The results showed a reading of 0.0.

    The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

    Don't be on this flight

    "This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

    "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

    "If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

    "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

    "That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

    Belong to you or me??

    A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

    The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"


    ....He Won....

    Who's in charge?

    All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

    "I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
    "I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
    "I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
    "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
    "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
    "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

    All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

    The Moral of the story?
    The ******* is usually the one in charge.

    Expenctant Fathers

    Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labour.
    The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins." "What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
    The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
    An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
    After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?" "Yes" says the man, "I'm ok now. I just had a shocking thought.

    I work at the 7-11 Store."



    The Truth

    At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.
    The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”

    Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”

    Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”

    Sailors and Soldiers Should Be Friends!

    A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the Navy man's truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.
    Now, the rivalry between Army and Navy is well known, so needless to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the Navy man changed heart and said, "Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let's put this rivalry behind us."

    The Army man agreed this was a good idea. So the Navy man offered, "Why don't we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck."

    The Army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the Navy man, being a gentleman, offered the Army man the first drink, and told the Army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the Navy man who said, "Thanks, but I'll wait till after the cops get here!"

    Your Most Hated Enemy Shall Receive Twice

    A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

    "As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."

    The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion."

    The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

    "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

    "What is your final wish, Master?" asked the genie".

    "I want to lose a testicle," said the man.

    Computer Diagnosis

    One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

    His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

    Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

    Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

    He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

    Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

    How Old Are You

    A little girl and her mother were out and about.

    Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

    The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

    The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

    Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

    The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

    The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

    The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

    The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

    Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

    The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

    The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

    The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

    "Where did you learn that?"

    The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

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    CmT.L3mOn
    Admin

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    Re: Let's Share some Cold Jokes!!!

    Post  CmT.L3mOn on Sat May 21, 2011 2:40 pm

    haha not bad ! nice

    CmT.JSicK

    Posts : 7
    Join date : 2011-05-20

    Re: Let's Share some Cold Jokes!!!

    Post  CmT.JSicK on Sun May 22, 2011 5:49 pm

    So long @@....anyways thx for sharing Smile
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    CmT.Arizona

    Posts : 31
    Join date : 2011-05-19
    Age : 20
    Location : Singapore

    Re: Let's Share some Cold Jokes!!!

    Post  CmT.Arizona on Sun May 22, 2011 6:43 pm

    The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary.

    He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

    The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge

    The manager of a megastore came to check on his new salesman.

    "How many customers did you serve today?" the manager asked.

    "One," replied the new guy.

    "Only one?" said the boss. "How much was the sale?"

    The salesman answered, "$58,334."

    Flabbergasted, the manager asked him to explain.

    "First I sold a man a fishhook," the salesman said. "Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then I asked where he was planning to fish, and he said down by the coast. So I suggested he'd need a boat - he bought that 20-foot runabout. When he said his Volkswagen might not be able to pull it, I took him to the automotive department and sold him a big SUV."

    The amazed boss asked, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?"

    "No," the new salesman replied. "He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife's migraine. I told him, "Your weekend's shot. You should probably go fishing."

    100%

    From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

    What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
    Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those
    meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?
    What makes up 100% in life?

    Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

    If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
    Then:
    H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

    and

    K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

    But,
    A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

    And,
    B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

    AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
    A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

    So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top.
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    CmT.Arizona

    Posts : 31
    Join date : 2011-05-19
    Age : 20
    Location : Singapore

    Re: Let's Share some Cold Jokes!!!

    Post  CmT.Arizona on Mon May 23, 2011 2:35 pm

    Apples and Oranges

    A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

    Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

    "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

    Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

    Each man gives a story

    Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

    So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

    "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

    The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

    "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

    Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

    The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

    "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

    A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

    "If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

    "Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
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    CmT.L3mOn
    Admin

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    Re: Let's Share some Cold Jokes!!!

    Post  CmT.L3mOn on Mon May 23, 2011 3:36 pm

    Well done! Nice nice~
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    CmT.Arizona

    Posts : 31
    Join date : 2011-05-19
    Age : 20
    Location : Singapore

    Re: Let's Share some Cold Jokes!!!

    Post  CmT.Arizona on Mon May 23, 2011 7:38 pm

    Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire?
    Sure. Here you are.
    Thanks - but half the pages are missing.
    What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?

    Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.
    "You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl.
    Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."

    All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

    The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

    The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

    The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

    So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

    So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

    He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

    The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

    The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

    Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”
    “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?
    “I did!” sobbed Johnny.
    avatar
    CmT.Arizona

    Posts : 31
    Join date : 2011-05-19
    Age : 20
    Location : Singapore

    Re: Let's Share some Cold Jokes!!!

    Post  CmT.Arizona on Mon May 23, 2011 9:04 pm

    A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

    Little Johny and his uncle Jim were at a convenience store. Uncle Jim bought two chocolates and started eating one of them.

    Little Johny "Uncle Jim, can i have one of your chocolates?"
    Uncle Jim to Little Johny "Can your dick touch your ass?"
    "No of course not." replied little Johny. "That means you are not old and mature enough, no you cannot have my chocolate!" said Uncle Jim

    A few days later both of them were back at the convenience store. Little Johny bought a scratch and win ticket, and he won $10,000!

    Uncle Jim "Hey how about sharing that?"
    Little John "Can your dick touch your ass?"
    Uncle Jim chuckled to himself and said " I'm a grown man, of course my dick can touch my ass!"
    And little Johny said " Well, go F*** yourself!"

    A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

    About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

    Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"

    A guy dials his home number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

    "This is the maid," answered the woman.

    "We don't have a maid!"

    "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

    "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

    "Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

    The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

    "What do I have to do?"

    "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

    The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

    The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

    "Throw them in the swimming pool!"

    "What pool?"

    "Uh..... Is this 832-4821?"

    A man crosses the border everyday to do his work.

    Everyday, he brings along with him a sack of sand and rides on his bicycle.
    The guard at the border asks him, " What do you have in that sack?"
    He replies "Nothing, just sand."

    The guard thinks that the man is smuggling drugs through the sand, and detains him, sending his bag to the lab for checking. But in the end, the checks tell that it is only sand in the sack, This goes on for 1 month, with the guard stopping the man everyday, confident that he is smuggling something through, the border, but the checks on the sand are unable to prove it.

    One day, the guard meets the man at the bar. The guard has been drinking alot, and is drunk.
    He asks the man, " I know you're smuggling something, I just don't know what. Could you tell me, I promise that i won't arrest you."

    The man replies, " Bicycles
    avatar
    CmT.Arizona

    Posts : 31
    Join date : 2011-05-19
    Age : 20
    Location : Singapore

    Re: Let's Share some Cold Jokes!!!

    Post  CmT.Arizona on Tue May 24, 2011 3:43 pm

    Three triplet babies inside their mother's womb are discussing what their ambitions are.

    The first baby says: "When I grow up I want to be an engineer so I can install some lights to light up this pitch black darkness."

    The second baby says: "When I grow up I want to be a plumber so I can install some piping in here. Its too wet for my liking."

    The third baby says: "When I grow up I want to be a detective so I can find out who is the bald bastard that keeps coming in and out of here, then shoots water at us."
    avatar
    CmT.Arizona

    Posts : 31
    Join date : 2011-05-19
    Age : 20
    Location : Singapore

    Re: Let's Share some Cold Jokes!!!

    Post  CmT.Arizona on Tue Sep 20, 2011 9:22 pm

    All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

    The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

    The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

    The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

    So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

    So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

    He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

    The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

    The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

    n older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

    The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

    The old man said, "I don´t think you understand, I want something very special."

    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here´s a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.

    The young lady´s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

    The old man seeing this said, "We´ll take it."

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I´ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I´ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

    Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There´s no money in that account."

    "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

    ed couple having their first baby were invited to make use of a
    new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pains
    to the Baby's father.

    Both were happy to try it.

    The pain transfer was set to 10 percent but the husband felt nothing so
    the doctor increased it to 20 percent. The father said he still felt
    fine and his blood pressure was normal. He invited the doctor to kick
    it up to 50 percent.

    Still no reaction.

    The doctor was amazed and slowly transferred all the pain until the
    wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her
    husband and the doctor were ecstatic.

    When they got home, the gardener was lying dead at the gate.
    avatar
    CmT.Arizona

    Posts : 31
    Join date : 2011-05-19
    Age : 20
    Location : Singapore

    Re: Let's Share some Cold Jokes!!!

    Post  CmT.Arizona on Tue Sep 20, 2011 10:23 pm

    A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

    "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

    The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

    "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

    "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey.

    A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

    " Honey, "the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

    Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

    Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.

    Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet!
    __________________________________________

    Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

    Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
    Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap!

    bby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.Why?

    Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

    Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

    Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

    Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

    They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."

    "What?" his father replied.

    "When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"

    Dear Dad,

    $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

    Love,
    Your $on.
    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    Dear Son,

    I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

    Love,
    Dad

    here were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail.

    The next day the man went before the judge.

    The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?"

    The man said, "Here and there."

    The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?"

    The man said, "This and that."

    The judge then said, "Take him away."

    The man said, "Wait, judge when will I get out?"

    The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later."

    there was a big house with a big swimming pool and a very pretty young lady who likes to swim naked every evening without fail. in her garden lives two worms that are stiff bored and wanted to do something adventures.

    so worm A said to worm B this evening we are going to do something very adventures together, we`ll wait for the young lady to swim in her pool then we`ll tag on her and follow her home,

    so that evening when the young lady go for her swim in the pool the two worms rushed in the pool and try to climb up onto her, since she was swimming too fast both worms got separated. worm A end up in her front hole and worm B end up in her rear hole.

    3 days later both worms meet and tell each other about their little adventure,
    so worm A asked worm B what happen to him, he then said his adventure is not as he expected, he end up in a cave he says, and it stinks like ****, worm A told him that his adventure was a nasty one, on his first day while he was wondering in the cave which he landed out of nowhere a fierce dragon enters the cave and try to attack him till he was pushed against the wall many times over, i was pissed by the dragon and and bite the dragon, then the dragon spit on me with a powerfull shots, after the dragon leaves i told myself to be prepared and the moment if the dragon came back i will be ready to spit back on it, true enough the second day it came back, when the dragon reach in i spit at it with all my might after a while i discover that my effort is meaningless, worm B ask why is that so, worm A reply, the damn dragon wears a raincoat.

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    Re: Let's Share some Cold Jokes!!!

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